Anchored Soul

I just finished filling up a journal. (I'll talk more about what goes into a journal of mine another time.) I've been working on this journal for just under 2 years...That means I was 20 when I started this one and I'm finishing it now at 22. 

The journal...

This journal covers a very distinct season of my life. It has been full of other "mini" seasons, but those two years had a theme...LETTING GO. 
And as I was finishing up this journal, I realized something...These last two years have been about letting go AGAIN. I've let go before. 
I play it tough, but letting go is by far one of the hardest things I ever have to do. I totally drag my feet when it comes to letting go. 

August 2010, celebrating "20" before I moved to do student teaching.

  The days around the time I turned 20 were so difficult. I look back and am absolutely THRILLED that they are over. Things were ripped out of my hand and I held on soooo tightly that I made letting go way harder on myself. Yet, I think I NEEDED that. I needed to let go and I needed letting go to be difficult. 
Why? 
Letting go (the hard way) made me more like Jesus. I see that now...This week, this holy week, with Easter just a few days away...I see how the last two years have made me more like Jesus. And all of a sudden, the last season of letting go is totally worth it.
  All the tears, the sense of being lost, the pleading, the clinging, the sleeping, the wondering if things would ever work out....And then the hoping, the drinking up wisdom, the moments of joy when I saw God or helped others see Him....They have blurred into one big, "hard, but good" time. 

September 2011, Celebrating "21".

I don't want to write too much, but I don't want to be vague either. 
I want you to see and be encouraged and I want to remember. 
The last two years I was letting go of so many things. It can be summed up in this: I was letting go of what I thought life was (is) supposed to be. I was letting go of things that had given me a sense of direction and purpose and getting to understand and treasure things that OUGHT to give me a sense of direction and purpose. 

I need to rewind. 

Me at 13 (stole this from somebody's FB album)

At 13, I was looking into colleges. I was planning my life and putting my previous years of hard work in school to work. I was finishing up jr high and was planning my road through high school so  that I wouldn't waste ANY time. I wanted my life to count. I wanted to make I difference. I wanted to accomplish big things. I, I, I. 
Slowly but surely, I let all of that go. I came to be enamored with what it meant to be a godly woman. I went from saying, "I want to be a teacher who makes a difference in the lives of kids and maybe even get into some kind of social work to help counsel them along the way too!" to saying, "I see that my role as a woman is to be a helper to men. I don't know what that means exactly, but I just want to do whatever God wants me to do." 
I saw the beauty of being a godly woman...I saw the beauty of marriage and family. I let go of me and began to see my role in the body of Christ. 

July 2006, during a mandatory "time of silence". 

At 15, I had  a firm foundation in Christ. Now I had a better idea of what it was to be a Christian woman...But, I had more to learn. I went to a leadership conference/ spiritual BOOT CAMP and came away with so many of my questions answered. For the first time in my life I heard and saw that I was created to live for the glory of God. I had spent the last two years listening to every radio preacher I could tune into, reading as much Bible as I could, and really trying to understand WHY I was alive. 
On my application to the conference, I remember summing up my reason for attending the conference as this, "After I got saved, I began to think, 'I'm saved, now what?'. They told me to read my Bible, pray, and go to church....So, I read my Bible, prayed, and I go to church...Still, I'm asking, 'What's the now what, after the now what?'..." 

July 2007, same conference, second year...FYI we were dressed up for a hoe down. 

I left that conference with a CLEAR vision of exactly what the now what, after the now what was!!!! I know it's basic and I know that I was on a journey towards seeing it. I am so grateful for the men at that conference and the time that God gave me to SEE why He made me! I left that conference with this quote by John Piper, "God is most glorified in you, when you are most satisfied in Him.". I left that conference knowing that my purpose was to make much of God...All the time, in all things.
  I left that conference feeling FREE to be the godly woman who served those around her and was pouring her life out to know God and make God known. 

May 2008

At 17, I had come a long way. I had shed many tears. I had had soooo many doubts and struggles. I had said goodbye to old friends, old habits, old movies, old music...Old things that drug me down. I had grown closer to my Mom and made a few new friends, I had formed new habits, found completely different movies and music to enjoy...I was FREE to know God and to make God known. I was pouring my life out to do just that. Then, something new came my way. The opportunity to plan and prepare for my life as "wife and mother". I was accepted at Whitefield College and the journey began. 

My brother's birthday...The desk in the background was my study zone. 

Again, I had let some things go, made some tough decisions, and had serious direction. This was like that leadership conference all over again...Day after day, month after month of AWESOME lectures, books, and a chance to write EVERY SINGLE DAY. I loved it!

January 2009. None of us knew that 8 months later, my brother's first truck would be loaded with everything he owned as he moved out. 

Then...Came 2009 and 2010. Things went a little downhill, but I was okay. My brother ended up moving out. 
2010 began as a year of "dreams come true". I went to EVERY SINGLE place I had EVER dreamed of going. I got to spend time with some awesome people, go to another conference, and see my brother. 

NEXT2010 in Baltimore, MD, May 2010.

George Washington's Mount Vernon, May 2010

Coast Guard Beach on Cape Cod, September 2010. 

NYC, December 2010

I dealt with some hard stuff by seeing some family members and going to places full of memories that I hadn't seen or been to in a long time. I spent the month of July WRESTLING with God about what I would be doing that fall and dealing with the consequences of my own apathy. 
I moved to New England to complete my student teaching. I went to a great church, taught at a wonderful school, and for the first time in my life was SURROUNDED by a group of godly young women (and their families and friends). I loved it... I knew that I told God when it was over, I would head home. That time came. 

March 2011

Then, came 2011. What I thought was a year of HELL. I battled depression. I was SICK. And people around me were always asking me what was wrong with me. I was up and down and all over the place...Always crying and seriously just ready for this thing called life to be over. I'd get to the BOTTOM and just be CLINGING to God, crying out to Him. I read Martyn Lloyd-Jone's, "Spiritual Depression" and stayed in Psalms and Proverbs. That's seriously, probably some of the only Bible I read for most of that year. I was questioning God in what He was doing and what I was supposed to do. 
July of 2011 was amazing...I ended up at the Ranch for about a month. My mind was completely off of all the stuff in my "real" life and I was surrounded by people that love God, love to talk about His Word, and every single day was spent ministering to people or being ministered to by people. Still, the struggle was not over. I ended my time "helping" and things got worse again....Just when I thought it would never get better. It did. 

February 2012

Just like that, a major prayer was answered. I was okay. I still had more letting go to do. The rest of 2011 and really, up until recently, were marked by a toned down version of the first part of 2011. I was still up and down, but not nearly as bad. I was still questioning God and feeling TRAPPED. I didn't have answers. I didn't have direction or security in the day to day. I was gripped by FEAR. 
From December 2011 to March of 2013, the specifics of my life were given to me only as it was time to do them. I'm black and white. I ask a million questions and I form a million answers in my head. I need to know what is next, why it's next, and what it will lead to. I knew I was a Christian, I knew I was called to be a godly woman, and I knew I existed to know God and to make Him known...Still, I was caught up in the HOW. I need my today to lead to a good tomorrow. Not generally, but SPECIFICALLY. 
Now, I see that the last two years have been about letting that go. Over the last two years, God has been teaching me about how to walk with Him in faith the way that Jesus did. Depending on Him and looking to Him 100%. 
From December 2011 to March 2013, I haven't known what was next. Today, I have no idea what I will be doing next week. I'm writing this on Wednesday night and I don't even know what I'm doing on Friday. ZERO idea. 
For the last fifteen months or so, every couple of months, something comes up, somebody has a need or somebody needs help. I pack up my bags and I head out like Mary Poppins, Jesus until the wind, Holy Spirit changes direction and then I wait to see what will be next. I have taken care of people in their 80's, worked at a coffee shop, helped my Mom run her house, painted buildings/gardened/cooked/cleaned/ministered at the Ranch, helped my friend Heidi with her house, and none of it was ever planned or expected. All of it was dropped into my lap weeks before it was to begin. 
From the time I was 16, I was talking about "living on mission wherever God placed me"....I guess, at 22 I'm there...I got here kicking and screaming, crying and doubting...But, I'm here and I'm free. No conference, no college, no man, just God and His Word leading me, guiding me, protecting me, and making me sure of this: 
I am known by God and He is making me into the image of His Son, Jesus. 
By the grace of God I am what I am and His grace towards me was not in vain, I labored more abdunatly than they all, though it was not I but the grace of God that is in me. 
Now I see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I will know just as I also am known. 
I'm glad to be sure again. I'm glad to trace the patterns of God at work in me life. I'm glad for the direction He's given and giving me! I've seen my sin and I've seen His grace!
As I finish this post, I have so much truth bubbling up...Truth that has led me to HOPE IN GOD. There is a rap running through my head too. You can listen to it and know that all of this...All that I wrote, all that I've learned, and all that I live for is because of Jesus. This Sunday we celebrate that He died and ROSE AGAIN. 

He rose from the grave. He defeated death - first His and now mine! I have walked through the shadows and by God's grace and mercy, I have seen the LIGHT. A fountain of living water was brought before me and now I am overflowing that living water.