On Faith

April 11, 2017

"By faith Abraham, when he was tested, offered up Isaac, and he who had received the promises was in the act of offering up his only son, of whom it was said, 'Through Isaac shall your offspring be had.' He considered that God was able even to raise him from the dead, from which, figuratively speaking he did receive him back."
Hebrews 11: 17 & 18

Faith is a word that carries a lot of meaning in the mind of the Christian. It is by faith that we became Christians. It is by faith that we attempt to live. It is something that we admire in one another and esteem pretty highly as far as virtues go.

We know people who pray about everything from parking places and food to the church around the world and concerns in the lives of people that they know. We know people whose every word of advice comes straight from Scripture. We know people whose very countenance is like a breath of fresh air. We know them and we long to be like them.

Last week, I had three different conversations about faith. As it usually goes when a theme shows up, I didn't go looking for it. Three different people brought faith up and had specific things to say about it. I listened and smiled and tucked the conversations away. Abraham came up multiple times, so I went digging for his story. We've heard it so many times and encouraged one another with it, but it was time for me to go back to look it over with fresh eyes.

Abraham's life illustrates the hand of God in the lives of His people. God tells His people to have faith and then He shows them how. He tests that faith and, if I'm honest, I don't know exactly what that testing looks like or how to recognize it. I only know that I know faith when I see it and that faith in the face of real life is absolutely beautiful.

Abraham believed. His faith prepared him to obey. Time and time again, he didn't know how it was going to work out, he only knew that it would. And that's what we need. We need to be patient. We need to believe. God will make a way, even when there doesn't seem to be any way. What is meant to be, will be.

There's more to this theme and we'll come back to it another day. For now, I just wanted to get some words on faith down. I don't know what you're going through or what you're waiting on. I don't know what God is calling you to bear or to enjoy. But, I know this: God means for His people to be men and women whose lives are marked by faith.

He may keep you waiting. He may call you to endure more than you think you can. Faith is about looking to God no matter what. It leads to obedience and peace and joy. Circumstances can really mix us up, but remembering that they are all in His hands means that we can face them with our chins up and shoulders straight. What is meant to be, will be.

May we have the faith that looks to God and to the day at hand with confidence in His good plan. May this faith stir up the kind of obedience that delights in God even when that seems hard or impossible. May our waiting and enduring and enjoying and obeying make it possible for those around us to say of us, "By faith ______, when ______, ______." It's been said of many before us and will be said of many after us. God is seeing to it. Remember that.

Whose faith do you admire? 

On Rest: Part One

January 11, 2017

For the last few months I've been spending time reading the Gospels. I'll give you a quick snapshot of how my time in the Word works. I choose a book to focus on and then I make why way through it reading anywhere from a few verses to a handful of chapters at a time. I begin each "session" by journaling, then I switch to reading, and then I alternate between reading, copying down key verses, making notes, and praying until I'm out of time. This usually goes on for about an hour or so.

About a week ago, I made it to Mark 6. Mark is the third gospel that I've read in the last few months, so the details of many of the stories are starting to become familiar. I've noticed that this has freed me up to focus less on the WHAT and more on the WHY of each one. When I came to Mark 6, I read about Jesus being rejected in His hometown, Jesus sending the disciples out with the clothes on their back and a staff to call anyone who was willing to listen into repentance, and then I read about the death of John the Baptist. I reached the end of verse 29 feeling the weight of the faith that these men must have had and the heaviness that must have settled onto their shoulders as they faced each of these events.

Then, in verse 31,  Jesus tells them it's time to follow His lead. He says to them, "Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while." The verses that follow tell us that they got into a boat and headed to such a place. I was marveling at this Scripture and wondering how I had missed it during the countless times I've read this book. I've studied Jesus's habit of going away by Himself to pray over and over again. I've tried to figure out how how He knew it was time and just exactly what He did while He was away. I've tried to imitate Him and cling to the Father the way that He did...Here, in Mark 6, Jesus was teaching His disciples to do the thing that I'm convinced sustained Him during His time on earth. So, I'm reading along and thanking God for finally showing me this. I'm copying down the verses and settling in to read what comes next.

Maybe you already know what comes next or maybe you've disconnected these accounts the way that I have. I'm sorry to admit that it's highly likely that I skimmed over verses 30-33 during my previous encounters with this chapter.

Jesus recognized that the disciples needed rest. He tells them to go away to a desolate place to rest for a while. They obey. They get in a boat and head out. A lot has been going on. Some of the most trying days of their early ministry have happened. They are tired and hungry and they must be looking forward to this rest. Then, comes verse 34. They make it to shore and a crowd had figured out where they were going and was gathered together waiting for them. Jesus gets out of the boat and begins to teach them. Get this. Jesus tells the disciples to rest and they are interrupted. The crowd stays gathered. The teaching goes on and on. It grows late. The men who were tired and hungry are more tired and more hungry and the desolate place Jesus told them to find would be the very place they are in except that all these people won't go away. The disciples ask Jesus to send the crowd away to find food for themselves so that the disciples can get to this "rest" they came to this place to find.

What's about to happen is the account of the time five loaves of bread and two fish fed 5,000 men until they were satisfied. Get this. The story they taught you about in Sunday school every year happened because people who were seeking rest in a desolate place were interrupted. I'm still going over all of the implications of this story. The fact that Jesus knew exactly what they were going to find when they reached that desolate place is weighing on my mind. The emotions the disciples must have been feeling are the ones I find myself relating to. The point of the whole encounter is something I do not want to miss.

And since this post is long enough already, I'm going to leave you hanging. We'll pick up part two next week. Until then, I'd love to hear about what you're reading and what God has been teaching you through it! 

One Word: 2017

September 10, 2010

I am a sun chaser. My favorite place is the beach and if I disappear on a sunny day, all you need to do is to hunt for the patch of sun that I'm basking in. Come February's warmest days, you'll find me camped out in some spot of sun with sweatshirt and blanket and book, pen, and paper. It'll be cold. People will think I'm crazy, but I cannot get enough.

By the time summer rolls around, you'll find me looking for any excuse to get outside. I have quiet times out there. I garden. I go for walks. I'll do my afternoon reading or writing on the patio. I am even known to take naps out in the yard. There are few things I enjoy more than turning my face to the sun and feeling its rays warm me right to my core.

That said, my word for 2017 managed to catch me by surprise. I had a few words rolling around in my mind and the one that I ended up with was not one of them. I've been reading Andrew Murray's book "Waiting on God" along with whatever chapter(s) of Scripture he references each day. On Day 16, Murray compared waiting on God with keeping watch for the first rays of the morning light. God is a God of LIGHT and His light is always shining. I know this to be true. As I read Murray's words they resonated with me because of my love for the sun.

Psalm 130:5-6 says, "I wait for the Lord, my soul doth wait, And in his word do I hope. My soul waiteth for the Lord more than they that watch for the morning; I say, more than they that watch for the morning."

We all know what it is to watch for the morning light. It chases away darkness and doubt and fear and gloom and troubles and so many things. The morning light brings with it hope and peace and a brand new day. I'm not exactly sure what events surrounded the writing of Psalm 130, but I'm pretty confident that it was times of trouble. I've been talking with several different people about salvation lately. They've all wrestled with seasons of wondering if they were ACTUALLY saved. Two of them have made it through those times. They can't explain what happened, but they both said that God changed things. I would sum up their words by saying that the light of God shined in their souls.

Murray puts it this way, "Just as the sun shines its beautiful, life giving light on and into our earth, so God shines into our hearts the light of His glory, of His love, in Christ His son. Our heart is meant to have that light filling and gladening it all the day."

If you haven't guessed yet, my word for 2017 is BASK. By the last day of December, I had settled on it and I've already been seeing the theme pop up again and again. I need to wait on God and trust that He rules over all things. I need to believe Him and stay in His word. By His Spirit, my soul will be full of the joy and peace that come from His light. God is light. By His light do we see and live and walk.

I want 2017 to be a year of savoring these truths. I want to receive from Him and respond with praise. I want the times when darkness threaten to undo me to become times when I learn to look to Him knowing that His light IS there. I want to glow with the beauty of His presence and the proof that my hope is in Him alone. I want it to be said of me that I am nurtured by Him and the light He shines on His people. I will need to pray. I will need to reflect often on His goodness and His character.

I look forward to the cloudy days when His sun shines. I long for my soul to be nourished by His light just the way my body is nourished by the sun on my skin. As I could lay there in its warmth for hours at a time, so I long for 2017 to be the year where I am continually basking in God's warmth.

May I learn from the flowers and the trees and the grass and the animals and even my own soul. As Murray says on page 83, "They do nothing [to keep the sun shining on them], they simply bask in the sunshine when it comes."

And it always comes. As Alice likes to remind me, "The sun is always shining, even when we can't see it."

Have you picked a word for 2017?

On Palm Sunday

It's Palm Sunday, but I didn't wake up with that on my mind. I found out while I was scrolling through Facebook. I knew it was coming, I just forgot that it was THIS Sunday. I don't go to church, in fact, I haven't gone regularly in nearly four years. I'm ashamed to admit that, but it's the way things are.

It's Palm Sunday and I don't have a large group of Christians to celebrate with. I won't be waving a palm leaf. I won't be singing any favorite hymns. I'm missing out on one of the happiest times of the year that Christians get to take part in. To say that I "miss" being part of a body of believers would be a complete understatement. I long for a church the way that most of my single friends long for marriage.

I long for the day when I live in a community that has at least a small body of strong believers who gather together to hear God's Word and who labor together to live by that Word throughout the rest of the week. I've experienced friendships with people whose Christianity is genuine. Being with them means hearing truth and sharing truth and enjoying God together. It can't be helped. It comes naturally and it doesn't ever stop.

For now, God has me in a place where these people are few and far between. The churches distort God's Word either blatantly or by the conduct they allow among their members. The Gospel is not good news here. God said it would be like that. For whatever reason, I'm still here. This same place where I've grown in God is the place where being a Christian produced an especially deep hope in Him.

Praise God for your churches. Praise God for men who are faithful to His Word. Praise God for the brothers and sisters in Christ who are eager to share this season of celebration with you! Above all, praise God for making Himself known by way of the long awaited Messiah! Though it is difficult at times, praise God for the trials you face, for they are building you up in Him.

It's Palm Sunday and I'm longing for heaven. And you know, I'm confident that that's exactly what Jesus Christ intended!

I believe that it is essential 

for Christians to be a part of a body of believers! 

Feel free to e-mail me and we can chat about your concerns. 

Catching Up

March 24, 2015

It's Friday and Jenna is hosting a coffee date, so let's join her!

I can't share too much yet, but there's a lot going on behind the scenes in my day to day life. It's probably all going to turn out really good, but the unknowns can get the best of me. I'm struggling to keep my eyes on God and my heart quiet in Him. He is God and He does as He pleases. We can and must trust Him!

Let's reflect on some of the most recent good times! 

* Last week my brother and sister's time in another play came to an end. It was so great to go to rehearsals, work in makeup, and then watch as each performance came off as a great success! This year, it was my brother's second solo that brought me to tears. My sister's solo made me smile so big. She ALWAYS gets the floozy and she knows just how to pull it off even though that's the exact opposite of her own personality!

* After patiently waiting, my bulb bed came to life! The hyacinths were first and then the yellow tulips followed. I'm eager to keep watching it fill up over the next month or so.

* I've got a "Bible Reading in 2015" update coming your way soon. Let's just say I'm making progress and the times there continue to exceed my expectations. This familiar book is a ALIVE and I'm so glad!

* We picked up sidewalk chalk yesterday and I can't wait to use it sometime soon when Heidi's kids come to visit!

* After sitting on the sidelines long enough, I'm looking for essential oil combos to diffuse this spring. When it was warm, I had the windows open. We've had to keep them closed up again because the cold returned. The air just needs freshening up.

There are two combos that appeal to me. The first is lemon, orange, and peppermint. The second is eucalyptus and spearmint. What are your favorites for spring (or any season)?

What has been happening in your life?

While My Hands Are Covered In Dirt

April 30, 2014

Over the last few weeks, it hasn't really felt like February. We've had blue skies, beautiful sunsets, and temperatures that reached 70. It may be February, but the first weeds are here. The first weeds that pop up bring me great joy only because they remind me that it won't be long before I'll be back in the dirt once again.

I found myself working in the yard yesterday. I grabbed a bucket and a pair of scissors. I collected leaves that had blown in over the winter and trimmed back a few things that I didn't get trimmed before the cold set in. This is by far my favorite part of gardening. I love preparing the ground for the gardening season to come and beginning to research and plan out the year's gardens.

I started in my mint patch. Four years ago my friend Heidi gave me a cutting from her mint and told me how to get it going. I put it in the ground and was delighted when it came back the next spring. I love that mint. It came from one of my best friends, it practically grows itself, and it's always one of the first things to green up each spring.

Well, last fall I didn't get it cut back and the black tangle has been taunting me all winter. Yesterday was the day to put an end to all of that. As I was working, I realized that I smelled something...Mint! There I was cutting back and ripping apart mint that couldn't possibly be any deader and yet I smelled the fragrance just as if it was the middle of summer. As I always do, I got to thinking...

I want to be like that mint.

When things are a tangled mess of death and dying, I want to have the same "fragrance" about me that I have when it's a mid-summer day. I want to shock myself and those around me with refreshment, especially when that is the last thing on any of our minds. I want to come out of winter bursting with life, before winter is ever even over.

By the grace of God, that's actually exactly what I'm called to be.

I am the tangled mess and yet He has put new life in me. This life spills out and onto those around me as I walk in communion with Him. I "smell" like joy and peace and His glory is made known. Of course, this isn't always the case...I have a way of delighting in the tangled mess. But, the fact is, the joy and peace remain and the glory won't be hidden forever. 

"But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for His own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light. " 1 Peter 1:9

It may be February and winter weather may return, but I've been in my garden and God's already started teaching me things while my hands are covered in dirt.  What's He teaching you?

ps - It's time for another round of Ask & Answer on Friday. 

If you have any questions, ask away! 

Another Great Saturday

2015 has brought with it some pretty great Saturdays! On January 3, we got an extra day with friends in GA. On January 10th, I had just gotten home and was feeling pretty rotten about it. Jay's birthday and Joe's shopping trip served as perfect distractions. And then there was last Saturday...

Last Saturday was PERFECTION. I had the day to myself (half the house went to play laser tag and my Mom was working). I'm not a person that generally enjoys a day to myself, but I made the best of it. I started the day trying to finish up Rex Stout's "The Doorbell Rang", which happens to be a great mystery, if you're in the market for one of those. When that got old, I fixed myself some macaroni and cheese and left over chicken nuggets and turned on Pride and Prejudice (the Matthew Macfadyen version). From there, I switched things up with "Roman Holiday" (Gregory Peck and Audrey Hepburn). And then I went back to my reading.

I needed that day. I said "No" to a lot of things to make it mine, but it was so great to recharge and refresh.

This Saturday could turn out very similar. It just so happens that today is National Readathon Day. Since I've got several books going, I'm planning on doing at least some reading. It helps that I'm working on the third book in a series that has really had me interested! "Hidden Agenda" by Lisa Harris is just as good (if not BETTER?!?) than the other two books that came before it in her Southern Crimes series.

This particular book is set off the coast of Georgia as well as in Georgia. A side plot that has been present in the other two books is finally taking center stage. I've been trying to figure out this part of the mystery since I first found out about the series. "Hidden Agenda" obviously shares characters with the other books, but Harris also brought in some characters that we've never met before.

The plot is thick. We've got a police department with unknown moles, a drug cartel with a brutal and uncatchable leader, two people who find out that their Dad is not who they thought he was, and a carload of people on the run. The characters themselves are developed very well. Character development is easy to skip in suspense stories, but Harris doesn't skip anything.

It's not often that I tell you about a book BEFORE I finish it, but I'm confident that this one will end with at least 4 stars to it's name! Grab  your copy HERE.

So...I've got another great Saturday waiting for me and I hope you do too!

What does your perfect Saturday look like? 

Do days to yourself excite you?

* I was provided a review copy of this book by Revell. All thoughts are my own honest opinion.

The Scenic Route: A Weekend in Winter

I'm writing this towards the end of Sunday afternoon while drinking a glass of orange juice and watching the snow continue to fall outside my window. What a pleasant weekend this has been!

My goal Friday was to record a speech for my English class so that I could really enjoy the weekend. I recorded it that evening and finished the day with a plate of chili cheese fries and the second episode of Wives and Daughters.

On Saturday  the wind was blowing like CRAZY. It was March 1st and for some reason it just felt like SPRING. I decided to make waffles, mainly because I've been wanting to have some on hand in the freezer. Then it was time to head to a new Bible study group. Afterwards I fixed lunch, rotated the laundry, tidied the kitchen, cleaned the bathroom, and settled in for episode three.

Jay came over for the rest of the afternoon and tacos since he's getting ready for a trip. The wind was still blowing and a million of the tiniest snowflakes I've seen all winter were swirling through the air. It was too warm for it to stick, but the peace that snow brings still came. Before I started dinner I was by myself in the kitchen and I just felt so happy all of a sudden.

Over the last few years I've come to love a good, quiet weekend filled with nowhere important to go, good food, friends and family, and plenty of time to be still. That's exactly what this weekend was turning into and realizing it just filled me thankfulness.

The evening ended with an affogato (I'll be telling you more about this another day just in case you don't already know) and the final episode of Wives and Daughters.

Salad wars...mine vs. 

my brother's 

Today I really haven't done much except for enjoy a nice long shower, fix a salad bar, and continue to watch the snow come down. It happens to be piling up today. I plan on spending what's left of the afternoon finishing Emily Freeman's book "A Million Little Ways" and reading my Bible. After that, we'll see what the rest of this weekend holds!

How was YOUR weekend? 

What has left you feeling happy and thankful lately?

That Place

Last night I finished reading "I Dared to Call Him Father". If you're at all interested in stories of people who didn't know God coming to know God, there are TWO books I would recommend to you right now.

"Surprised by Oxford" by Carolyn Weber is one. Look into it! If you love words you will probably relate to her. 

"I Dared to Call Him Father" by Bilquis Sheikh is the other one. Her simple faith in God is absolutely fascinating. 

I just happened to read these two books back to back...I did not plan it that way, but apparently God did. I placed holds on a bunch of books at the library and those were some of the first available ones that came my way. 

Taking a break to read about the first time someone comes to truly UNDERSTAND the things of God was so refreshing. 

I don't get to experience that AWE very often at all these days.

Understanding begins with the Word of God.

Once we come to live by that Word, we CONTINUE in it being SUSTAINED by it. 

Bilquis shared a special bond with a woman named Synnove. It was Synnove, a Christian missionary, who answered many of her questions in the early days and proved to be a wonderful friend until Bilquis died. 

Together these women had something unique. For their many differences, they both KNEW God. And knowing God, they helped each other to know Him more. 

One night, Synnove came to visit Bilquis. Bilquis was so excited to see her because, "The best part is that you have brought Jesus with you!" 

Synnove replied and her reply taught me something, "Yes, my dear Bilquis, and you bring Jesus to me! Didn't he promise that if even just two of us would meet together He Himself would be there with us?"

You've probably read that verse before. I know I have.

Last night I reflected on what it is like to be with other Christians. Even if I've never, ever met them before, there is an instant connection as soon as we start talking about God, knowing Him, and what we have seen Him do.

Last night I realized that it's not the other Christians that I'm crazy about, it's God IN them.

Knowing and getting together with other Christians is special because it is in that place that we can SEE and HEAR God in a special way.

Even in our time together, there is MORE.

Christian, you DO bring Jesus with you! May people who come into your presence know that He is there!

Click ^^^ to see a list of all the posts in this series.

What 23 Years Look Like

This is a post where I stop and get a little reflective. I am sharing some pictures that I took a few days ago. They have absolutely nothing to do with this post, they're just pretty.

This morning, I'm thinking about the last 23 years. It's my birthday month and for some reason this one feels a little different. I've been thinking about what's happened over the course of my life so far.

In short, 23 years look like a lot of things. 

They have looked like LEARNING. I have always been a person who watches, asks a million questions, and then acts. Sometimes it takes me a while before I ever do something right. Sometimes I don't even try and sometimes I fail. 

They have looked like LOVING. I have done life with a lot of people. Some have died, some have just gone down a different road, and some are here to stay for a while. Wherever they are, however long they've been away, they are on my heart and mind. I have them in my memories and those memories mean a lot to me.

They have looked like SIN. I have done wayyyy too many stupid, foolish, wrong things. It's great to have it all together - I never have. Never. 

They have looked like being SAVED. My Mom saved me first. She was young, unmarried, and very uncertain. She chose to give me life whatever it would end up costing her. She chose to keep me in her life whatever it would end up costing her. Then just nine years later, God saved me again. I was young, unhappy, and very uncertain. He chose to give me life knowing what it had already cost Him. He keeps giving me life knowing what it has already cost Him. I was born and I was born again. When those days roll around, I am actually pretty grateful.

They have looked like being LED. I am a follower. Wherever I go, I look to God for wisdom and security. I am not afraid to look to the people around me for extra doses of advice. The scariest thing to me is ending up without someone to be there to lead me.

They have looked like being being HURT. I sin and so do other people. When we sin against each other it hurts. Words and actions are some of the most powerful things that exist. Tears and pain have been very familiar.

They have looked like FIGHTING FOR JOY. I am really not very good at this. Still, it is something that I am very grateful for. God has for me a perfect, lasting, satisfying joy in Him. Fighting for it and sharing it with those around me is actually really awesome.

They have looked like HELPING. In as much as I am a follower, I am also a helper. God has made me with a tendency to see life in black and white. I am constantly summarizing situations and words in order to get to the bottom of it. I love being able to see a need and help. My goal is that as I help, I can somehow point people back to God and help them to know Him.

They have looked like DREAMING. I have always been a dreamer. I knew where I wanted to live, where I wanted to go to college, and what I hoped to do. All of that changed about three times as I began to see more of God. I'll admit, the last few years have found me a little less likely to dream and a lot more likely to just settle. I'll be honest, I have zero dreams for life after 23. In my head, this is as far as I have ever thought. Here I am. The book is BLANK. God has a plan and I'm ready for Him to turn the pages...

 

 

23 years have looked like a lot of things. They have looked like being born, being born again, and moving along towards being made into someone that lives to make Him known.  The rest of it has been the filler necessary to bring me to these places. "And He made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, that they should seek God, in the hope that they might feel their way toward Him and find Him. Yet He is actually not far from each one of us..." Acts 17:26-28

There is a bigger picture behind these 23 years. The picture is God Himself. These 23 years will turn into whatever number God has decided to give me and they will blend in with the years before and after me. 

God has good news in the fact that He created the world and rules over the world and is on a mission to share Himself with the world. These years of mine are just a piece of the declaring and demonstrating of that good news. 

 

 

It's In A Book

Yesterday I mentioned that I started a book club. I'll tell you more about it after our first meeting! For now, I'd like to tell you about the book that I've been reading - it's "Persuasion" by Jane Austen.

Cliche? Maybe...But, I picked up a copy of the book earlier this summer and I had it on my "to read this fall list". Naturally, it was the first book I suggested. We talked about several books and even though most everyone else in the club had already read it, they consider it to be their favorite  by Austen, so it was chosen as the first book.

Confession - it usually takes me FOREVER to get through a book written by her. It's definitely not her, it's me. I'm way more likely to watch a movie based on her books than ever even attempt to read them. Still, I do have high hopes for myself. This commitment to read the book is clearly the push I needed. 

I've been reading it with a few pieces of paper and a pen close by. Anytime I find an interesting quote or notice something that I think we should discuss at book club, I make a note of it on my papers. 

Tuesday evening while I was waiting on my brother to finish mowing a lawn, I sat in the van reading and these words really taught me something. 

"She could not, however, reach such a degree of certainty as not to be anxious..."

I can't say that I've ever realized that behind every ounce of anxiety is a simple bit (or heap) of uncertainty. 

Is it just me, or is this HUGE?

Obviously, as Christians we have no room or REASON for uncertainty. We have a God that cares for us and makes it very clear in His Word that we have only too much to be COMPLETELY certain about! 

In Him, we have total security.

But, in my sinfulness I look at LIFE and my heart (the wicked thing) says, "Okay, God is good and in Him, I'm set....But, what about LIFE, you know, in this big world, there is so much to be completely uncertain about, what am I to do with THAT?" 

And I don't have an answer. I know what I tell myself - be more certain in God and that will take care of your "horizontal" issues. Surely that is the answer! It's just the applying it that is so tough sometimes. 

So, if you're anxious, don't let it CONTROL you. Recognize that the remedy lies in certainty. If you can't be certain about anything else, at least be certain about this:

 When I thought, “My foot slips,”

Your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up.

When the cares of my heart are many,

Your consolations cheer my soul.

Psalm 94:18-19

Mornings I Dream Of

It's Friday evening. The last Friday of August 2013! Where did the SUMMER go? I've got a meat loaf in the oven, potatoes boiling on the stove, and some green beans "marinating" in some garlic. 

 

I know it's been a long time since I've posted. I haven't been coming here to share my thoughts or pictures, but I have been taking the pictures and writing the words. It's been good to just go back. Back to the simple place where the words and memories are just mine. Still, I've missed this and I know I'll miss the fact that I don't have pretty posts to look back on. 

 

So, this morning, I did what I've been doing. I grabbed some paper and a pen and I wrote until I didn't have anything to write....

 

 

 **************

 

 I'm on the back patio. The sun is up and just barely beginning to take the chill out of the air. The sky is becoming a deep blue, fading slighting to a lighter shade at the horizon. It's not even eight o'clock yet, but the birds are chirping, dogs are barking, and I've heard trucks and planes heading off to do the day's work. 

 

 

I had one simple thought this morning- I've been up for several hours and yet I stayed in my room waiting for this hour to come. When things were still upstairs, I came up and began a familiar ritual of gathering and starting laundry. I love doing that "first thing". And so, doing what I love and knowing that I love it, I began to dream up my favorite mornings....

 

I dream of mornings where the house is quiet and still. A place of peace and joy awaits anyone who will rise to have it as their own.

 

 

 I dream of mornings where there is coffee to brew and some sort of breakfast ready to be warmed. I made a breakfast casserole Tuesday night and I've loved eating it here and there throughout the week. I think I've had it at breakfast time only this morning - but I love that it's there. 

 

Some mornings, I dream of baking. On Wednesday morning, that's just what I did. I made cinnamon rolls by myself for the first time. I took my time and had them ready just as my brother and sister began to stir for the day.

 

 

I dream of mornings where it's cool enough and warm enough and dry enough to begin them out on the patio. Perhaps with a book, a Bible, my breakfast, or even some paper and a pen, like today. 

 

And these morning that I dream of aren't about being alone - they are about being surrounded. They are  about feeling the presence of the Holy Spirit and basking in the delights that God has placed around me in this earth that He created. 

 

As the breeze picks up I am reminded that the quiet mornings and a quiet heart hold a peace and joy that can be shared. 

The best part about these mornings that I dream of, is that I simply have to show up. These are God's mornings and my dream is really just to join Him. 

 

 

Anchored Soul

I just finished filling up a journal. (I'll talk more about what goes into a journal of mine another time.) I've been working on this journal for just under 2 years...That means I was 20 when I started this one and I'm finishing it now at 22. 

The journal...

This journal covers a very distinct season of my life. It has been full of other "mini" seasons, but those two years had a theme...LETTING GO. 
And as I was finishing up this journal, I realized something...These last two years have been about letting go AGAIN. I've let go before. 
I play it tough, but letting go is by far one of the hardest things I ever have to do. I totally drag my feet when it comes to letting go. 

August 2010, celebrating "20" before I moved to do student teaching.

  The days around the time I turned 20 were so difficult. I look back and am absolutely THRILLED that they are over. Things were ripped out of my hand and I held on soooo tightly that I made letting go way harder on myself. Yet, I think I NEEDED that. I needed to let go and I needed letting go to be difficult. 
Why? 
Letting go (the hard way) made me more like Jesus. I see that now...This week, this holy week, with Easter just a few days away...I see how the last two years have made me more like Jesus. And all of a sudden, the last season of letting go is totally worth it.
  All the tears, the sense of being lost, the pleading, the clinging, the sleeping, the wondering if things would ever work out....And then the hoping, the drinking up wisdom, the moments of joy when I saw God or helped others see Him....They have blurred into one big, "hard, but good" time. 

September 2011, Celebrating "21".

I don't want to write too much, but I don't want to be vague either. 
I want you to see and be encouraged and I want to remember. 
The last two years I was letting go of so many things. It can be summed up in this: I was letting go of what I thought life was (is) supposed to be. I was letting go of things that had given me a sense of direction and purpose and getting to understand and treasure things that OUGHT to give me a sense of direction and purpose. 

I need to rewind. 

Me at 13 (stole this from somebody's FB album)

At 13, I was looking into colleges. I was planning my life and putting my previous years of hard work in school to work. I was finishing up jr high and was planning my road through high school so  that I wouldn't waste ANY time. I wanted my life to count. I wanted to make I difference. I wanted to accomplish big things. I, I, I. 
Slowly but surely, I let all of that go. I came to be enamored with what it meant to be a godly woman. I went from saying, "I want to be a teacher who makes a difference in the lives of kids and maybe even get into some kind of social work to help counsel them along the way too!" to saying, "I see that my role as a woman is to be a helper to men. I don't know what that means exactly, but I just want to do whatever God wants me to do." 
I saw the beauty of being a godly woman...I saw the beauty of marriage and family. I let go of me and began to see my role in the body of Christ. 

July 2006, during a mandatory "time of silence". 

At 15, I had  a firm foundation in Christ. Now I had a better idea of what it was to be a Christian woman...But, I had more to learn. I went to a leadership conference/ spiritual BOOT CAMP and came away with so many of my questions answered. For the first time in my life I heard and saw that I was created to live for the glory of God. I had spent the last two years listening to every radio preacher I could tune into, reading as much Bible as I could, and really trying to understand WHY I was alive. 
On my application to the conference, I remember summing up my reason for attending the conference as this, "After I got saved, I began to think, 'I'm saved, now what?'. They told me to read my Bible, pray, and go to church....So, I read my Bible, prayed, and I go to church...Still, I'm asking, 'What's the now what, after the now what?'..." 

July 2007, same conference, second year...FYI we were dressed up for a hoe down. 

I left that conference with a CLEAR vision of exactly what the now what, after the now what was!!!! I know it's basic and I know that I was on a journey towards seeing it. I am so grateful for the men at that conference and the time that God gave me to SEE why He made me! I left that conference with this quote by John Piper, "God is most glorified in you, when you are most satisfied in Him.". I left that conference knowing that my purpose was to make much of God...All the time, in all things.
  I left that conference feeling FREE to be the godly woman who served those around her and was pouring her life out to know God and make God known. 

May 2008

At 17, I had come a long way. I had shed many tears. I had had soooo many doubts and struggles. I had said goodbye to old friends, old habits, old movies, old music...Old things that drug me down. I had grown closer to my Mom and made a few new friends, I had formed new habits, found completely different movies and music to enjoy...I was FREE to know God and to make God known. I was pouring my life out to do just that. Then, something new came my way. The opportunity to plan and prepare for my life as "wife and mother". I was accepted at Whitefield College and the journey began. 

My brother's birthday...The desk in the background was my study zone. 

Again, I had let some things go, made some tough decisions, and had serious direction. This was like that leadership conference all over again...Day after day, month after month of AWESOME lectures, books, and a chance to write EVERY SINGLE DAY. I loved it!

January 2009. None of us knew that 8 months later, my brother's first truck would be loaded with everything he owned as he moved out. 

Then...Came 2009 and 2010. Things went a little downhill, but I was okay. My brother ended up moving out. 
2010 began as a year of "dreams come true". I went to EVERY SINGLE place I had EVER dreamed of going. I got to spend time with some awesome people, go to another conference, and see my brother. 

NEXT2010 in Baltimore, MD, May 2010.

George Washington's Mount Vernon, May 2010

Coast Guard Beach on Cape Cod, September 2010. 

NYC, December 2010

I dealt with some hard stuff by seeing some family members and going to places full of memories that I hadn't seen or been to in a long time. I spent the month of July WRESTLING with God about what I would be doing that fall and dealing with the consequences of my own apathy. 
I moved to New England to complete my student teaching. I went to a great church, taught at a wonderful school, and for the first time in my life was SURROUNDED by a group of godly young women (and their families and friends). I loved it... I knew that I told God when it was over, I would head home. That time came. 

March 2011

Then, came 2011. What I thought was a year of HELL. I battled depression. I was SICK. And people around me were always asking me what was wrong with me. I was up and down and all over the place...Always crying and seriously just ready for this thing called life to be over. I'd get to the BOTTOM and just be CLINGING to God, crying out to Him. I read Martyn Lloyd-Jone's, "Spiritual Depression" and stayed in Psalms and Proverbs. That's seriously, probably some of the only Bible I read for most of that year. I was questioning God in what He was doing and what I was supposed to do. 
July of 2011 was amazing...I ended up at the Ranch for about a month. My mind was completely off of all the stuff in my "real" life and I was surrounded by people that love God, love to talk about His Word, and every single day was spent ministering to people or being ministered to by people. Still, the struggle was not over. I ended my time "helping" and things got worse again....Just when I thought it would never get better. It did. 

February 2012

Just like that, a major prayer was answered. I was okay. I still had more letting go to do. The rest of 2011 and really, up until recently, were marked by a toned down version of the first part of 2011. I was still up and down, but not nearly as bad. I was still questioning God and feeling TRAPPED. I didn't have answers. I didn't have direction or security in the day to day. I was gripped by FEAR. 
From December 2011 to March of 2013, the specifics of my life were given to me only as it was time to do them. I'm black and white. I ask a million questions and I form a million answers in my head. I need to know what is next, why it's next, and what it will lead to. I knew I was a Christian, I knew I was called to be a godly woman, and I knew I existed to know God and to make Him known...Still, I was caught up in the HOW. I need my today to lead to a good tomorrow. Not generally, but SPECIFICALLY. 
Now, I see that the last two years have been about letting that go. Over the last two years, God has been teaching me about how to walk with Him in faith the way that Jesus did. Depending on Him and looking to Him 100%. 
From December 2011 to March 2013, I haven't known what was next. Today, I have no idea what I will be doing next week. I'm writing this on Wednesday night and I don't even know what I'm doing on Friday. ZERO idea. 
For the last fifteen months or so, every couple of months, something comes up, somebody has a need or somebody needs help. I pack up my bags and I head out like Mary Poppins, Jesus until the wind, Holy Spirit changes direction and then I wait to see what will be next. I have taken care of people in their 80's, worked at a coffee shop, helped my Mom run her house, painted buildings/gardened/cooked/cleaned/ministered at the Ranch, helped my friend Heidi with her house, and none of it was ever planned or expected. All of it was dropped into my lap weeks before it was to begin. 
From the time I was 16, I was talking about "living on mission wherever God placed me"....I guess, at 22 I'm there...I got here kicking and screaming, crying and doubting...But, I'm here and I'm free. No conference, no college, no man, just God and His Word leading me, guiding me, protecting me, and making me sure of this: 
I am known by God and He is making me into the image of His Son, Jesus. 
By the grace of God I am what I am and His grace towards me was not in vain, I labored more abdunatly than they all, though it was not I but the grace of God that is in me. 
Now I see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I will know just as I also am known. 
I'm glad to be sure again. I'm glad to trace the patterns of God at work in me life. I'm glad for the direction He's given and giving me! I've seen my sin and I've seen His grace!
As I finish this post, I have so much truth bubbling up...Truth that has led me to HOPE IN GOD. There is a rap running through my head too. You can listen to it and know that all of this...All that I wrote, all that I've learned, and all that I live for is because of Jesus. This Sunday we celebrate that He died and ROSE AGAIN. 

He rose from the grave. He defeated death - first His and now mine! I have walked through the shadows and by God's grace and mercy, I have seen the LIGHT. A fountain of living water was brought before me and now I am overflowing that living water.