Somewhere in my early 20's, my high school self found herself LOST. I was listening to God and seeking Him, but I also began to think about what would make me happy in the long run. I began to realize that I could move anywhere and do anything. That freedom really appealed to me. It is so easy to get caught up in possibilities and to let those possibilities trick your soul into forgetting to ask God what He might have in store.
I'm going to be 25 in exactly one month. When summer starts coming to a close and my birthday draws near, I always take some time to step back and evaluate things.
This year, I'm thinking about one thing, namely, how to get my heart back to the place where it's set on pleasing God and trusting that pleasing Him will please me. The first half of my 20's has flown by. They've been full of completely unexpected things. My 15 year old self couldn't have dreamed of where the first half of my 20's would take me. The theme of these last five years has been fighting sin, digging into God, and living by faith (or at least, trying to). Now that I think about it, those three things have been the theme since I was 9 years old and will be the theme until I die.
The thing is, the first half of my 20's put those three things to the test.
I faced my pride head on and learned that it's something I really have to guard against. I
dealt am dealing with a major family conflict that has shown me how ugly I get when someone shows me I can't trust them. I faced depression. BIG time.
I recovered from that bout of depression ONLY by pouring over God's Word, clinging to Him in prayer, and with the support of other Christians. I read through the entire Bible. I learned how to really study the Bible with help from this book. I continued journaling, even when it hurt to do so.
I didn't finish college, but worked really hard at it (I'm still going to finish, by the way). I've lived in five homes on two coasts. I found myself being served by a family while I did student teaching, doing life with my family, working at a Christian retreat center, helping an older woman recover and make it through a rough winter, and helping my best friend welcome her new baby into the world.
For the first time in my life, I've slowly settled into a place where I really don't have a long term plan for myself. I only have two things I'm really working on: being a faithful Christian and a better writer. Other than that, I don't have a clue.
I find myself remembering what my high school self said about doing whatever it was God had for me to do and asking my nearly 25 year old self if this is really it. It doesn't seem right. It doesn't seem like enough. It doesn't seem wise. It seems like I'm coasting and heading nowhere. It seems like my 30 year old self, and more likely, my 65 year old self will look back and give my 25 year old self a good whack and ask her what in the world she was thinking (and doing).
25 is one month away and I'm battling the temptation to make my life about what I think will make me happy by reminding myself that following God is the only thing that will.
"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4